Like a Drug
by Delta Immortal
Summary: No actual drugs, I promise. Misunderstandings and more of my musings. Seifer and Zell before the war, having their misunderstandings with a fever.
1. Zell

Like a Drug

Delta Immortal

Disclaimer: I don't own FFVIII.

Warnings: None. It's a pretty clean fic.

A/N: So this was started about a year ago and last weekend I decided to start tying up my loose ends because holy hell I have a lot. This a two chapter fic, with Zell's POV and Seifer's POV, and I'll release Seifer's POV in a week with no other comments. Yes, Zell's a bit OOC, but that's explained in this and expanded more in the next segment.

………

_Zell's POV_

I can't stop thinking about him. I wasn't aware of it until last night, when I was chatting to someone. I forget their name. All they said was, "wow, you really like Seifer, huh?" and I realized I keep thinking about him.

I'm not even sure if this is a bad thing. I've always thought about him. As a child, he was always tormenting me. I'm addicted to working out, since I don't think of him. I keep doing it over and over and it isn't because I want to be buff or attractive. I just do it.

Am I romantically involved? I don't know; don't care. Seifer's an ass; I know that much. He hates me. He makes other people hate me, too. He singles me out to ticket me or to make my life hell. And I'm always thinking about him.

I wonder if he knows who I am, and it makes me cringe. I don't want him to ignore me. I don't want to be invisible, especially since I know I am to everybody else. So I'm loud. Energetic. Annoying. Who cares, so long as I'm noticed. I want to be noticed. It'd be nice to be loved, but Ma already loves me and I just don't want to be invisible to everyone else.

He passes me in the hall. I'm not running this time, so he pays me no notice. I try to act the same. I try. Maybe he notices that I flinch. Maybe he realizes that after he's out of sight I run. I can't bear to look at him, to see if he even realizes that I'm there. If he doesn't, it'll hurt so badly.

I wonder if he'll notice should I disappear. And then I realize I'm just kidding myself; Ma would be horrified. I can't disappoint Ma like that.

I'm shadow-boxing before I know it. It's habit. I do it and my mind clears. Left, right, dodge- I'm thinking, but it fades away as quickly as it comes. There is no one here in my sanctuary.

"Would you stop with the fly-swatting?" comes the voice, and I look up, broken from my trance. My body complains that I stopped. Seifer almost looks like a big white panther with his coat, ready to growl and kill me.

You'd have to notice me to kill me, and the thought is strangely comforting. "I'm trying to train."

"In the dorm?"

I sneer, and he steps up to me, using his size to show me how little I am to him. His shoulders are wider, his head is a full head higher, he's got angry green eyes and I stare up at him, hating him with every fiber of my being and at the same time wondering if we're so alike, why aren't we friends? He won't touch me- I'm too powerful for that. Or maybe he won't care this time. If he touched me, he'd have to remember it at some point. I would remember it.

Hyne, I'm starting to sound masochistic.

I look up at him. I look up at him and his eyes flicker and for a moment, we meet. He sees me and I see him; we cannot do anything but acknowledge one another. I am not invisible. I am spurned, yes, but somehow being ignored seems worse. Hate can turn into friendship, can't it? It happens in books and movies, why can't it be now?

I wonder why he hates me. What did I do to him? What did I do to deserve his spurn?

"Go play with a T-rexaur, chicken wuss," he states, knowing it'll piss me off.

My body already reacts. My face is red and my heart is pounding anger. "Don't call me that!"

It's my hair. He teases it constantly. I slick it back, just like him, to keep it out of my eyes. Only trouble is that my hair is thick, and it sticks up. I can't control that. Besides, it's better than my original idea of bobby pins and it looks less geeky than a hair band. His body leans in closer, but I stand my ground. "One day, you're gonna get it, Seifer," I tell him.

I don't even bother to wonder if he'll respect me. The answer is no. Even in his nickname, he reminds me that to him, I'm less than human. To him, I'm just some fleeting moment that will be gone as soon as the next GF comes in.

Seifer pulls back, hands up in mock surrender. "Just make sure your punches hit," he sneers. "Wouldn't want you missing on your first attempt to fight back."

His words are disturbing. Why don't I fight back? I have the strength. I already get detentions.

Why does he hate me?

I don't have a reason. I doubt Seifer has one, either. Maybe I'm still trying to get him to see that I am human. Maybe I'm trying to get him to see that I deserve respect.

"Shut the hell up," I almost yell.

He smirks. I hate his smirk. It means he's winning. It means he's going to walk away victorious, while I walk away trying not to cry. Crying is pathetic. I need to lose my temper instead.

"Hey, you know what?" Seifer states , looking around the corridor. He's going to tell me something that I'll be embarrassed to hear. He's going to blackmail me. I know it, he knows it.

I loathe him, and I don't know what I did to make him this mean.

"I heard you've been talking about me nonstop. You like me or something, Chicken?"

I am defeated. I deflate, I suddenly think of all the rumors Seifer's been spreading around. "Why do you do this?" I ask him, wanting to hit him. If I wasn't so sure he'd slap me with expulsion, I would.

"It's fun," he answers. "So, Chickie, you gay? What an insult to gay people."

"I'm not human to you," I tell him evenly, trying not to start breaking down. This isn't me. This isn't who I try to be. "Why do you care?" I start walking. I have to keep walking, I have to keep moving, I can't stop from crying. This will become a horrible rumor and my life will be over. Everyone will hate me.

People are scary when they hate.

"Waitaminute." Seifer is chuckling as he grabs my shoulder.

I freeze. I have tears and I can't look at him and I don't know why this is so important. Seifer has always hated me.

Maybe it's the idea of everybody else hating me, too. I'm not gay. Gay people will hate me for pretending to be one of them. Even though I'm not.

Am I?

It doesn't matter. Seifer is watching me triumphantly, and so my body goes into habit. I start shadow boxing. I have to fight this. I have to make it go away.

"I thought I asked you to stop that. I asked you a question." Seifer's voice is close.

"I can't stop," I tell him. "It's better than drugs."

For a moment, I think I've actually managed to babble about something that keeps Seifer quiet. He is almost contemplative, and then he says, "Let's get you to the nurses office. If you've tried drugs, I'm going to arrest you for it." He takes my hand rather harshly but I pull away, with a surprising amount of strength and I keep running. I can't stop. I don't want to stop. Even if Seifer's still behind me, I don't stop until I've reached the upper levels. We're not supposed to be on the roof. It's bad. I go with the balcony.

People below me are tiny. They're like ants. Do they know how tiny they are? If I were down there, would I be as insignificant? I'm the person it's okay to hate. I'm the person it's okay to bully.

Why does it have to be me?

I curl up into a ball, trying not to cry. Whether I do or not is unimportant. I feel better when I leave hours later, and as I come down Seifer is tormenting another student. I walk by.

"Faggot," the student hisses in my direction. I don't notice. It's really not worth fighting about right now. I move to my room and I shadow box some more. I'm addicted. I can't stop. I get to forget, without GFs. I can remember Ma and Pa and Grandpa, and I am happy again for a few moments, making myself a better human being.

I'm addicted to this, and there's no point in stopping. I make myself better. I forget about things. It doesn't hurt.

Should it hurt?

I then remember about the comment in the hall, and how Seifer let it slide. He really does have it out for me. My hands fall from the side of the bed, and I collapse on top of it. My roommate comes to my little cubicle. "Hey," he tells me. "You okay?"

"People think I'm gay." I hit the bed. "This is all Seifer's doing! He has it out for me! What the hell did I do to him?"

My roommate looks at me, sighing. "Zell," he states. "He doesn't have it out for you. He has it out for everyone."

I don't mention anything. Sometimes, it hurts to exist.

Out of habit, my fist swings at my shadow.

……………

In the middle of the night, I wake up. I'm not really sure why; maybe someone is thinking about me. Either way, I get up and start to walk around the dorm hoping I'll make myself sleepy. It really doesn't surprise me that only after what feels like a few minutes later I run into him. He's sitting by the fountain.

Seifer glares at me. "I sent you a ticket for avoiding arrest, and for running, _and_ for being in a restricted area." He stands up, as if to appear intimidating. I'm too sleepy to care. Too sleepy to care, not sleepy enough to sleep. "What the hell is your problem, Dincht?"

I blink at Seifer using my real name. "What do you care, Seifer?" I retort, not thinking. "I could die and you wouldn't care." That sounds more depressed than I was hoping for.

"You're right, I couldn't." He states it so coldly, and I can't help but hurt. I never understood this.

"I always admired you," I utter before I can stop myself. "I always thought it would be great to be like you, to try and get you to notice. But you just don't care. You want me dead." I look up at him. "What did I do wrong?" Then I realize what I've said and Seifer himself is quiet. Maybe he's surprised at what I've said.

Sure as hell _I'm_ surprised.

Should I take off again, I shouldn't have even said that. "It doesn't matter," my mouth keeps running, and for once I can see why it annoys the hell out of Seifer. "I'm just weak for not being able to accept this." I don't know what it is he's thinking. He's just quiet, thinking, mulling things over. Finally, he speaks.

"So you _are_ a queer little chicken," he states. I can see the way he says it, he wants me to get angry. I'm too sleepy for angry.

"I never understood why you hated me," I admit to him, stepping closer. I have him trapped and his body tenses, expecting me to punch him. Somehow my arms wrap around his neck and I pull him down.

Somehow I think I've shocked Seifer into submission. I press my lips against his briefly but there's no response, so I rest my head in the crook of his neck. Now my sleepiness really kicks in. I'd rather fall asleep here and risk getting shoved into the pool than walk back to my room. My eyes close.

"Get the hell off me," he manages to utter and I knew this would happen. I fall into the pool and there's no retribution. If Seifer doesn't even attempt to act nicer, there was never a chance. Either the water wakes me up or the sharp blow to my head- either way I'm in the water and I'm bleeding. The left side of my face is numb. Good thing my tattoo is there, to hide the gash, I suppose.

Seifer doesn't look back as he walks away, and I don't think I can get up. A student passes by and she suddenly screams in horror at my face. There isn't much to focus on. Red drops swirl around as they dilute in water.

Water falls from my clothes, my bangs, my eyes. Like the blood, it's everywhere. Garden staff come to take me away. The girl comes with me.

……………

Seifer isn't there. He isn't near the med center, he's not anywhere for the next few days. When I see him next, he chuckles at me, at my bandage and I flip him off, tired of dealing with this. "I'm glad you're alive," he tells me, almost goading me into fighting. "I wouldn't want to miss your pretty face."

My hand goes up to my wound and my eyes narrow. "What the hell is your problem?" I yell at him.

"My shrink says it's a defense mechanisms," Seifer replies coolly, and an idea plants itself in my head. _He's pushing me away_.

As he walks with his back towards me, could it really be that he's pushing me away from him? Why would he do something like that?

"Please. Like'd you'd be afraid of me," I utter. Somewhere inside me, I want to cry. I think… I think I love him. It hurts so much. Why doesn't he like me back? Isn't that a simple concept? To love someone, then they should love you in return.

It's the simplest thing in the world.

My feet have stopped walking. I'm not sure when I collapsed, but someone has me in their arms and is carrying me, as if I'm a big baby and I can't walk to the nurse's office on my own. I manage to see red on the side of his sleeve before Seifer speaks. "Hey, grandma!" he shouts.

Kadowaki emerges from wherever, and Seifer jolts me. "What did you do to him this time, Seifer?" she demands, sighing. "Place him on that bed."

"He collapsed," he responds, and my eyes open for a moment before the darkness eating at my vision threatens to send me into a hallucinatory world. I reach out to grab his coat, because I don't want to be alone, and he takes my hand for a moment, squeezes it, and sets it back down.

……………

Everything returns to how it was. Apparently I had a giant fever, so Seifer didn't actually hear me make a confession. I suppose that's for the best. Somehow the rumor is forgotten, and the girl who I scared keeps smiling at me and giving me books. They're interesting, but I can't focus on them for long. Oftentimes I see my shadow. Of course, I have to swing at it. It could attack me at any second. Be prepared, right?

I forget everything in these moments. Right hook, round kick- everything fades away.

It's like a drug.


	2. Seifer

Seifer's POV

…………

This is my garden. Mine. Cid can say what he wants; the Garden Master can say what he wants, but I'm only 16 and I rule this garden with an iron thumb. The little cadets, they all fall into place when I'm around. Such is the power I hold.

It's amazing, almost. I could be in awe of myself if I really wanted to. I make a casual walk in the through the dorms and a student passes me by, trying not to be seen. Soon I hear a familiar thunk. It's Dincht's infernal shadow-boxing. Stupid idiot can't stop himself.

I watch him for a moment. This entire process makes no sense to me, but Dincht does come out of it toned and sweaty. Heh. No wonder the girls are over him. And that in itself is a violation of academy regulations. He's a walking contradiction to me. He tries his hardest to come out with the fewest possible violations, but he's always breaking the rules somewhere, isn't he? Somehow, like at night…

This isn't the time or the place, I remind myself. I'm going to be a SeeD, I can't disobey the rules now. I see him say hi to a student in the library (the library, the make-out place of garden other than the "secret" place), and they go back into a corner and they talk. They don't see me from behind the bookshelf. It will be that more impressive and remain in their heads that much longer if they have shock. I'm waiting for them to kiss.

Smirking, I wonder what kind of kisser Dincht would be- he screams virgin to anyone. He'd probably forget that kisses involve lips.

They keep talking, and I'm waiting, not realizing what they're saying until the girl finally speaks. I realize Dincht has been completely blabbering, which is a good sign for her. It means the chicken is nervous.

"Wow. You really like Seifer, hmm?"

And I stop, because it is almost too perfect. Dincht, I want to whisper to him. Come with me.

And then I remember that because I rule this garden, I'm trapped. I can't break the rules because I'm exceptional. I must be a role model so my authority is not questioned.

"What?" he demands, in that screeching voice of his, taken completely by surprise. "No, not at all! There's… he's… he's just the most popular guy, that's all!"

I remember Dincht hates me. This is how it must be, I remind myself, walking away. Dincht must always be protected in that distance between us. If he isn't, all hell breaks loose. I'm no longer with power and I can no longer save his ass from the beating that's at bay from all those who think he's gay and want to hate him.

A bittersweet victory, then. Keep away from Dincht to save him. I could never really stop thinking about him, so it is best to distance ourselves, and since he won't, I will. He's like a drug, though. I drug I need.

Later in the day, the day I have spent _not_ thinking about him, I pass him in the dorms. He's behaving himself as we walk on by, but I hope it is not just me who is feeling this tension. Nope. Soon enough, he starts his shadow boxing, the one where I can see all his muscles flex and I can see this wild animal inside him and it makes me insane. "Stop with the fly swatting," I try to say, and he immediately goes on defense.

"I'm _trying_ to _train_," he states angrily, talking a step toward me. As if I'm not aware how much you need to train when you use your body as a weapon. Every spare moment must be spend conditioning. There isn't time for breaks. There isn't time to be sick. One moment can set you back forever.

Just like life.

"In the dorm?" I ask, coming closer to him. Maybe he'll take the hint and back off, because this is _my_ Garden, my home and I am ruler and I am not checking his muscles to see the layer of sweat, I'm totally looking at them should they move, because Zell is a weapon and I… I'm panicking. My thoughts are becoming tangled and I can't deal with that.

He's staring at me now, sizing me up with his beautiful blue eyes that highlight his beautiful face and my brain comes to save me from a situation in which I would push him into the wall and start kissing him until there was nothing left of him.

"Go play with a t-rexaur, chicken wuss," I tell him. I can't let my control die here. I can't let him realize that he haunts me night and day and that my cold exterior is designed so that _he_ doesn't get through it. I can push his buttons and make him go away and it will save the two of us from this Garden that will never understand.

"Don't call me that!" he says instantly, taking a step back to enter a fighting stance. He's being stupid because he's angry, but' that's good for me; it tells me that he won't remember that our eyes just held each other's gaze and spoke "Why won't you let me have you?" to one another. "One day, Seifer, you're going to get it," and I laugh and say a snide comment so that he won't follow me.

I can never tell if I'm protecting myself or if I am protecting him. I can never tell if I'm trying to pull him close or push him away.

Especially when my mouth runs itself for me. "I heard you've been talking about me nonstop. You like me or something, Chicken?"

I shouldn't have said that. I didn't want to hear a yes, and yet I wanted to hear the yes. If he didn't, I could suffer a broken heart, couldn't I? It wouldn't be too painful, and it would make so much sense from what he's said. He must hate me. _Hate me, Chicken. Hate me so I can control myself around you._

He deflates, as if I have just pulled the plug from a TV set. "Why would you do this?" he asks, meaning my question.

I suddenly take another step toward him, brining our bodies closer. I can't tell what that reaction was. I can tell if he leans up and-

"It's fun," I tell him and that is the truth. It is fun to have Zell underneath my control. In other ways, too-

No. I can't think these thoughts. "So, Chickie, you gay? What an insult to gay people." _Be gay. Be gay for me._

The reaction is not what I'm expecting and I am taken aback. "I'm not human to you," he says quietly. "Why do you care?" he starts walking away and I catch a trace of the sent of sick.

Not human, he had said. Of course he isn't _human_, he is my vice, he's my dreams. I want him so badly at night and he's the only one I can't have.

"Waitaminue," I say, grabbing his shoulder and I realize he is burning up to the touch. His tattoo moves, and I see his eyes. Zell is crying. His eyes are frozen and I think I have my answer and I let my hand trace his neck, telling myself I'm checking for fever, because Hyne damn, the boy has one.

He starts tapping his foot before I realize what I'm doing. I let go and for a few moments watch him, trying to figure out the best way to tell him that he is sick and he'll have to recover. "Are you sick?"

Of course, the Chicken isn't aware that he's not acting normally, and starts his stupid shadowboxing.

"I thought I asked you to stop that," I tell him sternly. "I asked you a question."

"I can't stop," Zell replies, his moments dizzy. "It's better than drugs."

Shit. Zell isn't aware of things that I've said, nor is he aware of his fever that is dangerously high. I pause, thinking on my next course of action.

"Let's get you to the nurse's office. I think you might actually need drugs, and rest with it." I take his hand and he blushes before he hits me and runs away.

Even sick, he's powerful and it takes me a good ten minutes before my head stops ringing. Where has he gone? I wonder.

I stop by Kadowaki's office, letting her know that there's a sick delusional around and she starts preparing meds for it. I try his room, but he's not there. In fact, the entire days passes by and exhausted, I allow myself to sit by the fountain, trying to sort out what is going on.

I'm chasing after Zell because he's sick and a danger to people in his delusion. I'm not chasing after him because I like him, because I want to bring him back to my room.

As I let out a sigh a stumbling figure makes its way towards me. It is so like Zell to show up after I've given up on him.

"Damnit, Zell, where have you been?" I ask him. "I should have sent you a ticket for running and hiding in a restricted area."

He blinks for a few moments before he comes closer. He's eyeing me in a way that fires up my blood and I can't deal with that right now, because it won't end well. "What the hell is your problem, Dincht?" I ask, my mouth dry. He's too close. He's watching me too well.

"What do you care, Seifer?" he asks, his eyes empty and his body tired. "I could die and you wouldn't care."

That sounds way too depressed for my liking. His legs tremble and I lean forward to take his hands, though he doesn't react to it. My body does. "I've always admired you," he tells me, suddenly placing himself of my lap and Hyne, though I haven't made a squeaky noise in my life, I have just now. In fact, his face keeps coming closer to mine and I want to press them together. _Please admire me_, my mind says. _Please admire me a lot, especially when you are in bed._ His _face_ radiates heat. Hyne is so mean to me, I can't touch him or else my D.C. status will fall. I'll loose everything. Or we'll be revealed and his world will crumble.

"I always thought it would be great to be like you, to try and get you to notice." His head his on my neck now and I am so sure I have a boner Zell can feel. He is warm and I'm blushing. I've longed for Zell like this. I've craved this moment.

Inside, I'm fighting a loosing battle. Zell says more stuff, but I can't tell because he's whispering, words moving past my ear.

"Zell," I whisper to him, and he pulls back, eying my face like candy. He feels my erection and shifts, but I'm sure that he doesn't realize what it is- it is just uncomfortable to him.

"I never understood why you hated me," he says, and his arms wrap around my neck and I think I've lost. When he kisses my neck suddenly, I think I've just come in my pants and I know nothing will stop me from ravaging him.

I can't let his happen. My hands push him into the pool and when he sits up, bleeding and I turn away. I can't let him see what he's done to me. He can find the own infirmary by himself, but I just can't let him see.

As I enter the stairwell, a scream lets loose.

When I enter my own room, I let out my own yell.

There is no fixing this.

We can't be together.

I want him so badly.

He has to let me go.

……………

It is a few days later that I find out he hasn't been to the infirmary even yet, and I make it my duty to find him. He's sick and I find him in the dorms, wandering around aimlessly. He's trying hard to swat flies, but he keeps loosing his balance and I can't help but chuckle. "I'm glad you're alive," I tell him, though the bandage is falling down. "I'm sorry I hurt your pretty face." It's a sincere comment, and he flips out on me.

"Please," he says, "like you'd be afraid of me."

I don't know where on earth that comment came from, but he soon is collapsing on the ground.

…………

"What did you do this time, Seifer?" Kadowaki asks as I enter the room, and I shake Zell into the bed.

"He collapsed," I say, turning to leave. His hand has grabbed my trench and as the doctor is turned away, I grab his hand and squeeze it. "He's had a fever, and I think he's been delusional."

I let it go and he whimpers, and I don't want to leave but I must. If I stay I'll just keep on being addicted like I always am. This kid, he's like my drug. I don't think that he's realized how much has come between us.


End file.
